I’ve had a lot of bottled up feelings as of recently. I made this blog for that purpose; to have people listen to me rant, whine, and complain of all the things going wrong in my life or all of the things going perfectly right in it. I’ll be completely honest with you all.
A few months ago, probably right after Christmas 2011 or a little before New Years, a few lies and truths came out that disrupted my family greatly. We have been listening to the screams, the yelling, the threats, the destruction ever since. (It is now May 22nd, 2012) I’ll be discreet with this because I really don’t want to put too much of my family’s business out. Yet it’s hard for a lot of people to not know. I’ve gotten to the point to where I’m praying multiple times a day asking the Lord to put some kind of peace of mind into my family’s hearts and souls. He knows we need it greatly. For some, my family looks like the typical country bred folks that have lived in this little town all of our lives. Yet, no one knows the dark secrets, the dark pasts, the dark present that lurks around this family at this moment. I remember my granny always telling me that we were cursed when she was born. I used to always wonder what that meant. The story goes…
My great grandma Bessie and my great granddaddy were very poor. It was to the point that they couldn’t even afford simple things to eat. Well, when my granny was born, they didn’t have enough money to go to the hospital. So they had to call forth the midwife. Now, in those days, and even hundreds of years ago, midwifes were more or less considered witches of the day. I don’t know how true it was, but this is just what my granny would tell me. Well, after the midwife helped deliver my granny, she asked for a ten dollar bill in return. Seeing as how poor my great grandparents were, they had to deny her of the money. She, of course, took it very badly. She ended up telling my great grandparents that their kids, their kids, their kids, and their kids will be cursed with misfortune and would never be successful in life. She also said that a life of grief and sorrow would follow our family for years to come. Like I said, I didn’t know how true it was until years ago when granny was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Yet, she beat it. It seems though after that, things started to go… downhill.
Whatever that midwife said, there has been many truths in it. There has been no successful lives in my family. No one has ever finished school, everyone’s working dead end jobs that are barely enough for bills, there are some days where we have absolutely no money and we are just striving until the next week. I felt bad recently because I found out that my daddy spent $3,000 dollars on my car, and then ended up paying another $199.00 on the tags to put on it. I just quit my job because the money was awful, and I am desperate at finding another job. My family usually ends up getting the short stick in things. I won’t go into much detail, but that’s just how its always been. I lost two great aunts back in September to cancer. My daddy has these growths on his face which is very much like his mama’s when she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She passed away from such cancer, and my daddy is too stubborn to go see a doctor. My mama has an enlarged heart which she is more prone to high blood pressure (Which she is already taking medication for) and heart attacks or strokes. My papa passed out in the yard about three weeks ago in which his eyes rolled to the back of his head and his nose was bleeding profusely. If anyone knows my papa, it’s that he’s a very heavy drinker. He has been drinking everyday since he was about 15 years old. He just turned 60 in November. Liver spots are spreading all over his arms, neck, face, and his high blood pressure is getting worse by the day. The doctors have flat out told him that if he doesn’t stop drinking, he will die. Does that stop him? No. “I will drink ‘till the day I die.” - Quoted by my papa after the doctors gave him the news. I’m scared that he won’t live to next year. It’s that bad. His liver is failing rapidly. As far as me, well, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Women with POS, usually have irregular menstrual cycles, high levels of androgen (which are sometimes referred to as male hormones, although females can make them), and cysts on their ovaries. POS can affect: the inability to have children, irregular menstrual cycles, the heart, blood vessels, appearance, and hormones. My last period was New Years. I know that the cyst on my ovary has gotten bigger. The last appointment I had was in October, I think? The doctor confirmed that the cyst was the size of a golf ball on my left ovary. I am told that if the cyst is as big as that, it could over turn the ovary and that would be very very bad. I would have to get the ovary removed at that point. It would then lessen my chances of having children by fifty percent. As much as I want the cyst gone, the doctors refuse to remove it by surgery. The bastards.
My biggest fear is all of my family’s health problems catch up to me and my cousins and my siblings. Cancer runs on both sides of my family as well as high blood pressure. I’m terrified that I will get cancer or high blood pressure. As terrified as I am, I don’t do anything about it. That’s going to change as well. I need to start eating more fruits and vegetables, rather than Chinese food and greasy food. I need to start excersizing daily and doing my daily amount of cardio.
The midwife’s curse did a great number on us. I’m sure she is cackling away at our lives. The yelling and screaming around here has decreased, for now at least. Something will come up, and it’s back to hearing the hateful words spew all through the air at my house. My head can’t take this and the rest of my family are getting tired of it also.
I’m still keeping on like I said I was. I’m graduating next Friday. I’ll be the first one in my family to EVER graduate. It’s an exciting honor to achieve and I know that my family will be proud. With the help of the Lord, I have been able to make it this far in my life without giving up. May He guide me in the future to come. I know now that He is the only person I need desperately in my life right now. For without His guidance and His love, I wouldn’t have been able to strive this far. My love for the Lord has never faltered, yet only became stronger in the darkest days. I won’t waste my worry or my love on people who won’t give it back. I guess that makes me selfish because I care too much for those who don’t care that much for me. I shall focus on getting my life together and yearning more for Christ than for anyone else. I have cried too much, gotten my feelings hurt too many times, and I have been hurting too much recently to not have anyone feel for me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I know that the Lord has always been there and I haven’t turned to Him like I should have. That is going to change dramatically.
“Lord, help me through this day without any confusion, conflict, or corruption.” My daily prayer that I say every single day since about a year ago.